Reality Bites

My friend and collegue was murdered by her boyfriend five weeks ago today.  She was 35 years old.

The timing of her murder coincided with some very stressful work issues, my 36th birthday (I was already dreading this one), and the end of a disappointing first month into round two of P90X in which I’d only lost four pounds.  So I did what I usually do when the reality of life (or death) bites me in the butt.  I ate.  I ate every emotion that I had:  shock, sadness, guilt, anger, frustration, etc.  I ate for my dead friend and for the experiences that lay ahead that we would now no longer share.  I ate to numb all of my feelings and to help me feel them at the same time.  But mostly, I ate because I could.  I immediately gave myself a healthy eating/ extreme workout/weight loss pass.  “There is only so much you can deal with and focus on right now,” I found myself saying, “you don’t have the emotional strength or willpower right now to add your weight loss plan to the mix.”

And Then A Funny Thing Happened …

Throwing caution and my waistline to the wind, for an almost four week period I lived my life without the daily extreme workouts and the calorie restrictions.  P90X –  what’s that?  No Ben and Jerry’s?  Whatever!  I took this time to focus on grieving and actually working through my emotions.

And then a funny thing happened.  Something clicked in my head and I decided that I needed to stop moping about and get it together.  My friend would not want me to throw away all of my hard work over the past year and she for sure would not want me to throw it all away for her.  So I stepped on the scale (remarkably I hadn’t gained or lost an ounce during my feeding/grieving frenzy) and re-focused.

Month two, round two of P90X Classic began last Monday, two days after I officially said goodbye to my friend at the memorial service.  Day 35 of my life without my friend began today.

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2 Responses to “Reality Bites”

  1. Jessica (@gardenJess) October 6, 2011 at 7:24 pm #

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s good that you’ve taken some time to grieve, and good also to have a goal for your grief now.

    • Jennifer (Lost 100 lbs.)
      Jennifer (P90X) October 7, 2011 at 3:12 pm #

      Thank you Jessica.

      Like any addict, I’m just taking one day at a time and not being too hard on myself if I falter a bit when life gets in the way (faltering is, of course, easier to do when you’re a food addict as opposed to being an alcoholic). In fact, today, I will not be doing my scheduled P90X workout (Legs & Back) but will skip today and go for my usual Saturday 1.1 mile swim tomorrow and a long bike ride on Sunday.

      I’m starting to learn that there is a reason that diets and extreme workout programs are usually not successful in the long run. It is because they are unsustainable and, oftentimes, unrealistic during times of life’s upheavals. In fact, the minute I made the decision to alter my workouts this weekend, I felt happier, less oppressed by the P90X monster schedule, and so much more excited about working out.. Ultimately, that is what I believe will get me through the next year of weight loss and the rest of my life in maintenance.


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